Anger Versus Vulnerability by Dan Bernard

When we’re angry, one of the main roadblocks to effective communication can be the anger itself. We certainly have a right to be angry, but if we express our concerns only in terms of this feeling, our partner is likely to respond defensively with their own anger, or by withdrawing all together. At that point, communication breaks down with both people feeling hurt and distant.

Our anger also works as a defense that allows us to avoid the experience or expression of vulnerability that comes with feeling trapped, overwhelmed and sad by turning our feelings outward in a blaming fashion. In this way, our anger becomes a very effective shield, which keeps our loved ones at a safe distance, a distance from which effective communication is nearly impossible. 

When we choose this path, we help to create an environment where the risk associated with expressing any vulnerability is too great. Ironically, we end up insuring that no feelings but anger will be expressed, that we’ll feel “safe”, but that we’ll continue to feel trapped, overwhelmed and sad.

To communicate about difficult issues, we first need to plan a good time to talk. If we’re feeling stressed, our first response to a challenging topic is likely to be defensiveness, quite possibly in the form of anger or withdrawal. During a quiet moment, it may also be helpful to mention the particular topic, so that, on their own, each person can explore their thoughts and feelings without the pressure of a confrontation.

In the actual discussion, it’s a good idea to start by letting our partner know that our primary goal is to work with them as a team. A good way to demonstrate this desire is to express our deeper feelings on the topic, the ones that we usually mask with our anger. To do so without blaming, we can take ownership of our feelings and express them with I-statements: “I feel trapped with doing the housework and taking care of the children on my own”, or “I feel sad that we can’t seem to work these problems out”.

The key is to have enough faith in our relationships to risk setting our anger aside and to express our underlying feelings. While such a move may not produce immediate results, it does send a clear message that we care enough to be more vulnerable. In so doing, we can begin to transform our relationships into ones of greater trust and intimacy.

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