Owning Our Contribution to Communication by Dan Bernard

It can be frustrating to try to find out how our partner thinks and feels, especially when their responses are often seem limited to only a few words. We care so much about them that these limited responses sometimes feel like rejection. We tell ourselves that things would be so much better if they would just open up. 

At the same time, such thinking can become a comfortable trap. From it, we choose to focus more on our partner’s behavior than on our own contribution to the problem. Without the power to change their behavior, choosing this path tends to only increase our sense of isolation and powerlessness. It’s as we look at our own contribution to how things work in our relationship that we can find the power to create change.

If we feel that our partner tends to withdraw, here are some important questions about our behavior that we can choose to ask ourselves: “How do I respond, when she does open up?” “Do I cut her off in the middle of a sentence?” “Do I respond with defensiveness, or anger?” And an even more important question is: “How can I encourage her and let her know that I value her thoughts and feelings? 

Choosing to offer our undivided attention could be our first consideration. Another helpful choice would be to arrange “a good time to talk”. Make sure other needs are met (e.g., occupy the children, unwind from the day, have dinner, be rested, etc.) to reduce the chances of interruption and to increase your ability to communicate effectively.

Now, we can turn our attention to communication itself. Making eye contact and turning toward our partner while listening are important. At the same time, we can support their efforts to open up by actively listening. Active listening techniques include checking in to make sure we understand their concerns and asking questions that encourage them to tell us more. When in doubt, we can ask ourselves what we’d like from them if “the shoe were on the other foot”

One of the most powerful keys to increasing communication is for us to choose to consider how we respond when our partner says what’s on their mind. Then, if we choose to use the above techniques, we can begin to build a sense of trust that thoughts and feelings will be heard and taken into account in our relationship. In this way, we have the power to make mutual openness the norm, instead of the exception to the rule.

Back to Articles