There are times in the course of any relationship when the bad times seem to outweigh the good. When feeling this way, we might remind ourselves of that saying: “Relationships are work”. While this is true, we also need to remember that we’re not alone in our struggle. If we’re having these thoughts or feelings, chances are good that our partner is too. This is when it feels the most difficult and when it’s the most important to reach out and connect with our loved one.
As a couples counselor, people often tell me they’re doing everything they can to connect with their partner. They also report feeling confused when their efforts meet with defensiveness or withdrawal. With the best intentions, they try to connect by saying something like, “You never call when you’re going to be late”, or “You’re always talking on the phone”. Unhappily, they find that such statements seem to only make things worse.
When we run into this common problem, it helps to consider that the solution might be found in our choice of words. A technique for communicating without causing defensiveness is the use of I-statements. In an I-statement, we choose to express ourselves by beginning our sentences with “I”. Instead of saying, “You never call when you’re going to be late”, we might say, “I worry about you if I don’t know when you’re coming home”. Or, instead of saying, “You’re always talking on the phone”, we can say, “I feel like we’re missing a chance to talk, when you’re on the phone”.
Taking another look at these examples, you’ll see that the speaker is talking about themselves, their thoughts and feelings with a kind of openness not communicated in the earlier you-statements. While this kind of openness can make us feel vulnerable, it can also set the tone for a conversation that is more “real” and more genuine than usual.
Another thought to keep in mind when choosing between an I-statement and a you-statement is that you-statements can sound like blame, or criticism. The best way to put someone on the defensive is to blame, or criticize them, and while we might not mean to hurt our partner’s feelings that might be the effect of our comments.
Unfortunately, we may not be able to keep our loved one from feeling defensive. In a sense, that’s a choice that they have to make. What we’re able to do, though, is to take responsibility for our part of the conversation and our own feelings and choose the least blaming way of expressing ourselves. We’re free to choose the I-statement and in so doing to create an opportunity for open and genuine communication.
