There are times when many of us feel overwhelmed by stress and frustration. We do our best to keep these feelings in check, but sometimes, no matter how hard we try, our emotions come flooding out in a wave of anger.
We can begin to tackle this problem by measuring our stress level on a 1 to 10 scale. If we generally operate up around a 7 or 8, a bump in the road is likely to move us close to a 10. At this high level of stress, we might feel that our only choices for responding to additional tension are losing our temper (fight) or withdraw (flight).
One option is to work to lower our general stress level to a 4 or 5, so that we can absorb the inevitable bumps in the road without losing our cool. We can address this challenge by making sure that we eat well, get enough rest, and adequate exercise. Of course, we’ve all heard this advice before, but without some lifestyle changes, any work we do to manage our anger is reduced to a patch on a tire that’s ready to blow.
In terms of anger-management, our bodies give us some clear signals when trouble’s up ahead. When we’re worked up, some of us feel our muscles tighten. Others feel stomach tension, or have trouble breathing.
We may also have thoughts like, “Here we go again”, or “Why is this happening?” which may signal that we’re getting ready for fight or flight. Some associated feelings might be frustration, sadness, or helplessness.
If we are aware of the point at which our particular physical signs, together with certain thoughts and feelings tell us that we’re likely to lose our cool, then we have a better idea of when taking a break might be a good choice.
Another consideration is that once we become upset and the adrenalin begins to flow, our thinking becomes less clear and we begin to use that part of our brain that is more concerned with survival than working things out. Most of us need at least 20 minutes for that adrenalin to leave our system. In addition, this time-out gives us an opportunity to put our concerns back into perspective.
With this information, we can develop a plan with our partner, where each person can ask for a break. Having a predetermined time-frame in which we need to check in for further discussion is also useful. In this way, neither is likely to feel that their concerns will be brushed under the rug.
Managing stress and anger is hard work, but it can be done. Beginning today, we can turn to a fresh page and make each day with our loved ones count. The choice is ours.
