Young Adult Children Coping With And Relating To Their Parents
By Mark Vellucci, M.A.

By the time a child becomes a young adult, many of the interactions between him and his parents have fallen into an established routine. The parent-child relationship may be characterized by stereotyped reactions where, on certain cues, specific responses can be expected. Both parent and child agree to participate, most of the time without conscious acknowledgment. Both parties are needed to fill expected roles if the plan is to work. Recognizing and changing patterned behaviors is very difficult, but becomes absolutely necessary when they begin to have a negative effect on the parent-child relationship. Dealing with these patterned responses and the problems created by them will foster improved understanding and mutual respect.

In a book entitled Cutting Loose, by Dr. Howard M. Halpern, the lack of spontaneity in a parent-child relationship is described as being that same old "song and dance". It suggests an arena where the players, who have played the game so many times, don't realize they are still playing. This "song and dance" is Halpern's major area of emphasis as he feels it is the key to unlocking the tightly guarded door that leads to the world of true feelings and real meanings in a relationship between an adult child and his parent(s).

The most important aspect of coming to terms with a parent is being able to recognize the "child" within that parent as well as in oneself. Coming to grips with this force is of primary importance if the "song and dance" is to be abandoned for genuineness. Young adults must go past the outward image and attempt to look into the mind of the "child" which sometimes emerges in a parent. If this is to be done effectively, the young adult must first be able to recognize the "child" within himself in order to understand its role in influencing behavior.

Some of the most common negative parenting styles include (1) the domineering mother, (2) the martyred mother, (3) the weak father, (4) the overly powerful father, (5) "saintly" parents, (6) unloving parents, and (7) seductive parents. The domineering mother seems always to be telling her child what to do, watching her every move, not allowing her to make decisions, and refusing to let her go as she grows and matures. The "child" in this mother was probably not loved or paid much attention by her parents and may be overcompensating as a result. An often effective way to deal with her is to politely not allow her to tell you what to do, responding with assertiveness as opposed to aggressiveness. The martyred mother is the type that tries to make her child feel that she is being hurt by his behavior and/or actions. The "song and dance" is very easy to fall into with her. One will often hear the phrase "why are you doing this to me" when dealing with the martyred mother. One must not allow oneself to be controlled by the potential thought that no matter what, she must be pleased. She will usually rationalize a way to find fault with you. A way to deal with this mothering style is to do whatever pleases you and explain that you are not trying to hurt her. The "child" within her needs attention. Give her some, but only unconditionally, not upon demand.

The weak father and the despotic daddy are very much at opposite ends of the spectrum. We often expect parents to be near perfect, but this is both unfair and unrealistic. Inside the weak father is a child who was likely dominated by his mother, has married a woman in her image, and has suppressed his male ego. The despotic father is quite the opposite. He was probably either a "spoiled" or totally unloved child who is crying out for attention and needs to feel he is in control. He uses fear to accomplish his goals. It is often quite difficult to see the "child" in this father, but with effort it can be done and understood.

"Saintly" parents and unloving parents are quite similar in many ways. A "saintly" parent is one who invokes the powers of the Lord in his rules. This parent is not overly concerned with your well-being, but rather is concerned with the preservation of his own morality. The "child" in this parent is narcissistic in some ways, but is mostly frightened of change. The unloving parent, however, is very narcissistic. This person is incapable of loving you because he is too self-involved to consider the needs of others. The recommended way to deal with these types of parents is to let them know that you realize their position, understand it, but will not necessarily accept or adopt it. By pointing out what you see as the problem(s), you may alert your parents to cast aside the "child" within them and bring forth the mature adult.

Seductive parents can be especially destructive to the developing child. Damage may be done which can never be fully repaired. This parent may have had the same experiences in her childhood and may not realize anything inappropriate has been done. This parent needs to accept the hurt and anguish caused, must desist in seductive behavior, and work to establish trust in order for there to be any opportunity for reconciliation.

It is important to realize that there are other factors in determining how you relate to your parents. They may be divorced and may be remarried, creating new "families" for you to deal with. They may be becoming elderly and role reversal may be taking place. They may be dead and still have an effect on your life through your memories. All of these events and simply daily living may cause your relationship with your parents to change. Your awareness of change is crucial in avoiding a continuance of the "song and dance".

There may come a point where every reasonable means of communicating has failed. It may then be necessary for you to end dealings with your parents. If your attempts to break from the "song and dance" have resulted in your parents' unwillingness to accept you and the new situation, then you may have no choice but to stop directly dealing with them. This is an extreme measure and should not be taken lightly, but sometimes it may be the only alternative.

Learning to come to terms with your parents on an adult level is very important for a healthy relationship. If one can learn to deal with the adults in each other and avoid the "children" within us, the groundwork for a strong relationship will have been built. We can end the same old "song and dance" and move on to a lifetime of growth and fulfillment in the parent - adult child relationship.

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