Suggestions for Helping Someone in Mourning
As a result of the terrorist attacks on the United States, many of us
know someone who is grieving the loss of a friend, colleague or loved
one. It is often very difficult to know what to say or what to do to
help someone in mourning. Death is an uncomfortable subject that brings
up many distressing emotions. We sometimes say the wrong thing because
of our own feelings of discomfort. The following suggestions may help
you as you offer support and comfort to those around you who are
grieving.
- Listen carefully and allow them to cry, talk, yell, or laugh. It
is less about what you say and more about just being there.
- Don't be afraid to cry with them and to show your own grief over
their loss.
- Don't try to take away their pain - that would be for your benefit
only, not theirs. It is absolutely normal and healthy for them to
feel and express their pain.
- Offer your assistance and a listening ear even if they haven't
asked for help.
- Recognize that they will be going through many different emotions,
often in the same day, and try not to take expressions of anger
personally.
- If you aren't sure what they need, ask!
- Consider small ways that you may be able to help out - taking them
meals, helping with daily chores, offering to do tasks that they may
not have the concentration level or emotional energy to complete.
- It's okay to talk about the deceased person and share stories
about them, but ask if this is a good time before doing so. People
who are grieving will have times when talking about their loved one
provides comfort and joy. They will also have times when this may
cause too much pain.
- Check on them even after it seems that the crisis has passed-often
this is the time that is the most difficult for someone in mourning
and the time when the initial outpouring of support wanes.
- Don't be afraid of silence when you are spending time with someone
who is grieving. Let them fill the silence when they are ready.
- Do something in remembrance of the deceased (make a donation to a
worthy cause, plant a tree and dedicate it, etc.). This not only
helps you feel that you have done something positive, but helps the
person in mourning by giving them a sense that their loved one's
memory lives on.
- While it is important to be aware of the many emotions someone in
mourning will be dealing with, it is also important not to treat
them as if they are frail or contagious. Continue to include them in
ways that you did prior to their tragedy; it is okay if they decline
your offers.
- Don't expect or encourage them to "get back to normal".
Normal no longer exists for them and their job is to create a
"new" normal for themselves. This takes a long time - well
over a year and many times longer than that.
© 2007 CIGNA Behavioral Health
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