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By Dr. Norma Ross
Contact Info:
4 Martine Avenue, Suite 1618
White Plains, NY 10606
Phone: (914) 428-1555
E-mail: norross98@aol.com
Website: www.youcansayno.com
I
write this book in a position to view parenting from many different angles. I am
the parent of two adult children and all indications are that they are happy and
successful. I was a single parent for the latter part of my children's teenage
years, after the loss of their father. I am a working mother who has had a
twenty-year career as a parenting consultant. In those twenty years I have
worked with hundreds of families to improve their relationships and have helped
them deal with their everyday problems.
I began to take notes on my thoughts, observations, anecdotes and my
experiences. I had no specific plan in mind for a book. But as I started to
write, I realized that a blueprint was emerging. This blueprint was to help
families get to a healthy place and highlighted what I believe are the
fundamentals of parenting. It was the first time that I was able to see my
guidance and advice to my clients and their families take form on paper. A
formula emerged. It is practical and quite simple, and I believe it is too close
and obvious for us to realize. I feel that Parenting is really quite simple and
instinctual, yet we get so far away from it since we are actually trying too
hard. The truth is that we as parents can take control of our families and raise
healthy happy children if we look at parenting from a different perspective.
This book is an attempt to bring the sum total of my experience and expertise by
providing a plan that will make their journey as a family easier and more
successful. If you are concerned about how to deal with your children, let me
assure you that you are not alone. I hope you will recognize yourself and your
children in these pages.
As parents, we must realize that the pace and nature of our life is changing
every day. Nowhere is this more evident than in watching our children grow up
and seeing what they are exposed to. As a parenting consultant whose work
consists of helping parents and their kids find ways to resolve interpersonal
conflicts and problems, I have seen at close hand how the changing ways in which
kids are socialized today affect them and their parents. This book is designed
to help you navigate today's difficult world of child rearing. It will present
you with a plan for parenting- a plan that has worked with the countless
families I have worked with-I call it my blueprint for parenting.
Parenting is an emotionally charged business, and our emotions often get in the
way of our decision-making and better judgment. As in a business, parents need
to eliminate what doesn't work, keep what's working well, and always look to
improve things with fresh new ideas and solutions. By helping you as a parent to
better understand what you are going through, this book will empower you to
handle your own emotions and your children, and, by doing so, regain control of
your family.
This is a practical book for parents who are busier than ever and need to
discuss the here and now. After reading this book, you will have greater insight
into why your children behave the way they do, but more important, how to
prevent certain problems from arising before your child is of age. You will
learn to say "no" to your children, and you will understand how and
why to do so. It is all about learning to distinguish what is a reasonable
request and what is not. You will learn how to be creative in communicating and
modeling positive behaviors for your child. Lastly, you will understand the
importance of feelings and the role they play in the parent-child relationship.
The end result will be that your relationships with your children will flourish
and you will have less stress, making you a better, more confident parent.
Parents always make mistakes. Our parents made mistakes and we survived. We will
make mistakes and our children will survive. We're human. Making mistakes
doesn't make us "bad" parents. If you understand that you can be
wrong, your children can then also understand that they can be wrong. If you
follow the principles of my parenting plan that follows, you will be well on
your way to developing and maintaining a happy healthy family. At the same time,
to be successful with this plan, parents need to apply it in thoughtful,
creative and open-minded ways. This book will show you how! Remember that there
is no perfect parent or child, so expect a little bit of difficulty along the
way.
Let this book be your road map to building a successful family, no matter what
your age, occupation, whether you are married, divorced or a single parent. The
message is universal: in today's ever-changing world we need to take control of
our children and our families. Only by doing this can we prepare our child for
the world they face: schools, friends, siblings, the workplace, relationships
and eventually their own family.
Kids Today Feel Empowered:
In too many households today, it is the kids, not the parents who decide what to
buy, where to go with friends, how late to stay out and make many more of the
decisions that parents used to make. How did our children gain this control?
Often, we feel it is easier to give in to our children's demands, even though in
our hearts, we know we shouldn't. Instead of confronting our children's demands
and feelings of anger, we give in and by doing this, we set into motion a
process that empowers our children. As time goes on, our children have too much
power. We then get angry with them for not wanting to give up the power. To deal
with this issue early on, we need to set limits and say "NO" to
unreasonable requests. The earlier we do this in our kid's lives, the better.
Kids Need to Know About Boundaries and
Limits:
Parenting styles have changed over the past few generations and parents today
have less authority-and are more inclined to let kids have their own way. Our
society and culture presents our children a world of media and advertising that
reinforces the message that kids can and should be able to satisfy their
desires. The appealing images of kids as consumers and the negative images of
parental and authority figures that the media present make it even more
difficult for kids to accept boundaries. Given this situation, parents need to
assert themselves and be the ones who set boundaries and limits for our
children.
Parents Need to Say "No" To Their
Kids:
Parents today are simply afraid to say "no" their children. What
started with "yes" to one request has spiraled out of control.
Children today are demanding and expect to hear "yes" to every
request. I will teach you to distinguish between a reasonable request and one
that is unreasonable. By giving in to demands we know are unreasonable or not in
their best interest we will only encourage more and more of these demands and
our kids will not learn what is reasonable. Your goal is that your child is
empowered to say "No" when he or she really needs to. You can break
this cycle and you can learn to say "no". And yes your children will
still love you. I will help prepare you with suitable responses for the angry
outcries you may hear from your kids after they hear a "No". We need
to recognize that an "I hate you" or a "You're a mean mom"
are natural responses that a parent can live through and not reasons for
automatically giving in to their kids' demands. Establishing rules and
boundaries will not prevent our kids from loving and respecting us!
Whether We Know It Or Not, Parents Are Always
Influencing Their Kids.
Kids model their behavior after the behavior of their parents. This is a fact of
life. Our words and actions must model the types of behavior that we want our
children to follow. By exhibiting calmness and using our judgment about what we
think is right for our children - we will reinforce the same mature attitudes in
them. On the same note, if we lose control of our emotions in confrontational
moments with our kids, we will encourage the same acting out on their part.
Since our actions and attitudes will inevitably shape our kids' actions and
attitudes, it's essential to model appropriate positive behavior for our kids.
The principle of modeling can be applied to every aspect of our lifestyle; the
way we eat, if we exercise, whether we drink or smoke, not just our attitudes
and emotions.
Effective Parenting Means Listening and
Communicating:
Showing our kids boundaries and re-empowering ourselves as parents will work
only if we are in touch with our feelings and our children's feelings. In order
to relate and understand our children we must communicate. Children start
communicating from the moment they are born. They cry, they talk, sometimes it
is not even verbal. Parents must learn to recognize these signs of communication
and act on them as early as possible. A child who knows that their parent is
there for them from an early age, will be more likely to continue dialogue
throughout life. We need to communicate our thoughts, questions, concerns and
feelings and keep the lines of communication open to them at every stage of
their growth. This sharing of thoughts and feelings between parent and child as
he/she grows and develops will create the trust so that kids can accept parental
decisions - even if they disagree with them.
Feelings:
Parents need to recognize that feelings, for both the parents and children,
highly influence our words, actions and behaviors. It is my goal that parents
begin to realize the significant role these feelings play. Sometimes this is
difficult, since we as parents don't want to feel bad or to see our children
suffer. We need to help our children have their feelings, and help them to
understand them. It is just as important that we understand our feelings as
well. Lastly, just because we feel a certain way, we don't necessarily have to
act that way. Only by recognizing feelings and the role they play can we help
ourselves and our children.
Learning Parenting Strategies Offers You
Lifelong Benefits:
You may have picked up this book to help you solve a particular problem you are
having with your child or you may be feeling like you have lost control of your
child or your family and this book will provide immediate assistance, to your
concerns. Equally important, I hope that as you embark on the parenting journey,
my parenting plan will help you build a relationship of closeness and trust with
your child that will carry you both for life. After dealing with the challenges
of raising a child, you will reap the reward of building a lasting and loving
bond and of being able to help your child as a parent, friend, and advisor as
he/she continues into maturity.
So enjoy your journey through this book and the guide through the complex
experience of parenting that it offers.
Contact Info:
Dr. Norma Ross
4 Martine Avenue, Suite 1618
White Plains, NY 10606
Phone: 914-428-1555
E-mail: norross98@aol.com
Website: www.youcansayno.com
12820 Hillcrest, Suite 201
Dallas, Texas 75230
phone: (877)-956-6400, fax: 972-385-7777
email:skovich@provisionsconsulting.com
© 1997 Provisions Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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